A couple of months ago I started to feel very anxious while sitting in church. It came on suddenly and the feeling definitely didn’t leave me. I experienced sweaty palms, feeling like I was going to overheat and possibly pass out. Thankfully I had a church bulletin close by and started using that as a fan which was a great distraction and shared with T what was going on. In the past when I used to struggle terribly with anxiety I would have got up out of my seat and literally bolted to the nearest exit door. In those days I didn’t know what was going on with me physically, I just knew I didn’t like it and if something was going to happen I didn’t want to cause a scene, so the best thing to do was to leave. During this time in my life I lived in fear of when an episode might happen again and it left me not wanting to go out and be around other people. That day in church a couple of months ago I was able to recognize exactly what was going on, just like yesterday when I was in church and it happened again. Rather than being closer to the back of the church we were very near to the front and sitting with new people, surrounded by a completely new church congregation. One thing I have learned over the years is to share my experience immediately with T or whoever I am with. Sharing is the first response, because it gets how I am feeling out in the open so the anxiety cannot have a hold on me. My new second response is not leaving and staying where I am to work through it. Yesterday the Pastor was preaching a great message and one that wasn’t comfortable for me. He was using the example of King David and read out of Psalm 23 as well as many other passages of the bible. I realised while I was sitting there in that new church that what I was experiencing wasn’t just a menopausal hot flash or anxiety, but spiritual warfare! The Pastors message was bringing conviction, but I was being distracted by physical symptoms. The message was hard to hear, because I knew what he was saying spoke directly to my heart and soul. As I sat there God and I had a conversation and I asked for forgiveness for the things I know I have been trying to run from, things that He has been asking of me as well as situations/relationships that need some attention. I don’t remember everything that the Pastor said yesterday and I might ask my new friend for her notes so I can fill in the missing pieces that were lost while I was struggling with sweaty palms, but I do know that many of my anxiety attacks in the past have happened when I have been in church which is why I feel I have been experiencing a spiritual attack. I really needed to hear that message yesterday and if I had fled like the enemy wanted me to I would have missed an opportunity to learn and grow. I share all of this to ask each of you for prayers that I will continue to stand my ground and work through these experiences. To truly take what I am learning and apply it. It’s not always easy when a light is shone on your faults. Here is a song we sang near the end of the service yesterday. I hadn’t heard this one in a while but it definitely spoke to me especially the line about casting down idols. Love to each of you and thanks for reading my sometimes crazy, often vulnerable ramblings- Lou
Give Us Clean Hands
Chris Tomlin
We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh, Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh, Lord we cast down our idols
So give us clean hands
And give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
And give us clean hands
And give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh, God let us be
A generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, oh, God of Jacob
Oh, God let us be
A generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, oh, God of Jacob
(We bow our hearts)
We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh, Spirit come make us humble
(We turn our eyes)
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh, Lord we cast down our idols
So give us clean hands
And give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Give us clean hands, oh, God
And give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh, God let us be
A generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, oh, God of Jacob
Oh, God let us be
A generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, oh, God of Jacob
Oh, God of Jacob
(Give us clean hands)
So give us clean hands
And give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh, give us clean hands, oh, God
And give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh, God let us be
A generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, oh, God of Jacob
Oh, God let us be
A generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, oh, God of Jacob
Oh, God of Jacob
Oh, God of Jacob
Just stretch our hands to God and ask Him that
Give us clean hands
And give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Give us clean hands, oh, God
And give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh, God let us be
A generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, oh, God of Jacob
Oh, God let us be
A generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, oh, God of Jacob
Oh, God of Jacob
The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob
And you are the only one and true